We just recently moved and I decided THIS time I was NOT going to bring broken toys, clothes that don’t fit, furniture I don’t like, things I don’t use or need and crap that keeps my house cluttered, into the new house. Usually, I would have just taken the 85 junk drawers and dumped them into a box, found a new junk drawer for it to reside in, in the new house.
This purging process started with my boys rooms and I threw away or donated almost every toy they have because they don’t really play with toys anymore (I also found roughly 436 socks and 3 complete outfits). I went through my closet and finally released all of the clothes and shoes I didn’t wear. I sold or gave away furniture because this time, I wanted a clean slate.
As I went through this process it was an outward action to an inward emotional process as well. I turned 35 this year and I have made a vow to no longer carry with me the baggage that I have carried since I can remember. Slowly over time I have collected boxes and boxes of “junk” that I would just put on a shelf and not deal with and when it was time to transition into a new season of my life, I would bring those boxes with me, plus a few new ones.
To be quite honest with you, carrying it has been exhausting. I have packed away guilt and shame from what I have or have not done. I have collected resentment, fear, doubt, anger, hopelessness, unforgiveness and the list goes on and on. At this point, I needed a moving truck just for the baggage I had, and I was making everyone miserable around me because the contents of these boxes would spill out onto the ones I love.
I needed a fresh start because I felt like I was drowning.
My arms weren’t strong enough to carry the unresolved issues around with me anymore. I decided that I have to choose to forgive those that hurt me, if I don’t I am keeping myself in a place of bondage, not them. I have to choose hope because without it, life becomes too hard and isolating. I have to choose peace over fear because I have spent too much time staying silent or immobile for fear of what others may think or say about me. I have to choose to forgive myself for the wife, mom or friend I haven’t been because the guilt has stolen enough time and life from me.
Personally, it’s my faith that has helped me with the inner purging process, being in a community of others who are for me, believe in me and love me. I have had to get good at saying “I’m sorry” (this is still a work in progress), I have had to go to a counselor, I have had to cry because the pain is real and I have had to look at myself in the mirror and say, “I’m sorry I haven’t forgiven you.” I will still fall short, I will still make mistakes, I will still be a human, but I will not pack that stuff away and carry it with me anymore. Not gonna lie, this is scary because I don’t know who I am without it, but I’m excited to find out.
Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you also have baggage for days. Can I just say, you deserve a life set free from all of it. Your kids deserve a mom who lives a life free from inner turmoil because that turmoil can and will come out in the way we raise them. I am not saying the process is easy or pretty, but I am saying the process is worth it.
Have you been putting off going to counseling? Go. Do you need to check yourself into rehab? Do it. Do you need to forgive yourself? Forgive. Do you need a clean slate? YOU deserve it.
Enjoy life again
We aren’t meant to live life feeling trapped and hopeless. I want my kids to remember having a mom who loved them fiercely but also had the guts to do what it takes to live a life set free.