Don’t Micromanage the Grandparents – A Lesson In Progress

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While we were waiting for our table at brunch last weekend I noticed this sweet Grandmother trying to play with her granddaughter.  But she was having a rough time.  “No, don’t give her that, she doesn’t need that.”  “Put her down, she doesn’t need to be carried.”  “She wants you to play with her, you can play with her.” “Try coloring with her.”  Grandma happily obliged each request, but you could tell she was frazzled.

That interchange got me thinking about my relationship with my parents and in-laws.  And I am in no way judging that mother, because I’ve been her.  Sometimes, I still am her.  In my defense, it’s just that I’m with my kids all the time and I can’t help but anticipate and control their lives.  It’s kind of my job.  And once you’re on a roll, it’s hard to stop.

But the perspective I got that morning, waiting for pancakes, was eye-opening.

We all have the best intentions really.  The controlling mom is just looking out for her kids.  But the loving Grandparents just want to love on their grandkids.  And do us moms really need to micromanage that?

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Every time I’ve left my kids with their grandparents I have a list of instructions.  Detailed things that I want them to follow.  But I’m fairly certain they throw that list out the window as soon as we walk out the door.  And you know what — my kids end up just fine!

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I know there are certain things that cannot be compromised – any type of food allergies or rules for the kids safety need to be given.  And those – I’m sure the grandparents are happy to follow.

But other than that – do I have to micromanage what they should feed the kids for dinner, what to have for dessert, how they play with the toddler, or how to hold the baby?   After all, haven’t the grandparents been doing this job for a lot longer than we have?  And look at how great they raised me and that awesome person I choose to spend my life and have kids with!!

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I’ll be honest though – it’s hard to know when to speak up and when to just bite my tongue and let the grandparent make the decision.

For example – I wasn’t planning on giving my youngest any baby food until after she turned 6 months.  But when my mom was visiting and Natalie had just turned 5 months old, my mom wanted to feed her some bananas.  Since my mom wasn’t going to be here when Natalie turned 6 months (and since my older son had tried bananas and cereal at 4 months and done just fine) I decided to let my mom feed her those bananas.  She ended up only eating 2 bites and not being interested.  Nothing bad happened and it was such a sweet moment for my mom and the baby.   A moment that I had almost stopped by micromanaging.

The problem is, I’m not always the best at taking my own advice.  Just a few weeks ago my in-laws wanted to buy Miles a new train and I said no.  He just has so many trains and isn’t as interested in them as he used to be.  So I insisted on some Lego Duplos instead.  He’s really getting into Legos and I think he’ll have more fun with those.  I could have kept my mouth shut – he would have been happy with a train.  But I didn’t.  And then I felt guilty.

So when I say it’s a work in progress – it really is.  I want to be more laid back and really try to remember that I don’t need to micromanage how the Grandparents interact with or take care of my kids.  The best I can do is to remember that they always have my kids best interest at heart and then ask myself “do I really need to butt in?”

I didn’t know any of my Grandparents – so I really want my kids to know and love theirs.  And I want them to have the best relationship possible.  One that I don’t have to control.  The kids will be happier with the lax rules and the 0 tension.  The Grandparents will want to be around more and help more.  And it really is easier for me when I give up some of that control.  Sounds like a win-win-win to me!!

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