I need to tell you something simple, but important.
It’s okay to just survive.
I taught 5th grade science in another life and I remember some of our vocabulary words during the life science unit were “thrive”, “survive”, and “perish”. The visual vocabulary cards I had showed a plant in full bloom, a plant with one or two blooms, and a withered, wilted plant. Basically those were the only choices for an organism. Well this organism (me) is not thriving, is determined not to perish, and therefore is just surviving.
And that. is. okay.
I’m a first born. Type A. “Control freak”. INFP. Enneagram Type 1 (“The Perfectionist”). Beaver. I like things to be the way they should be, I like order and organization, schedules and routines. Efficiency is my middle name, and I hate slapping a bandaid on a problem when I could spend a little more time and fix it completely. But I am in the midst of a season of life where we are just surviving, and although it’s hard for me to accept, it’s okay.
2011 was the year of trying to get pregnant and failing
2012 was the year of getting/being pregnant and resigning my job
2013 was the year of a newborn, adjusting to new family roles, then going back to work part time when SAHM life wasn’t what I expected
2014 was the year of fertility treatments, miscarriage, and more fertility treatments
2015 was the year of finally having another child, transitioning to an awesome but more stressful job, and then losing my dad
2016 has been the year of completely losing my marbles and getting pregnant again, easily for once
Stress hormones changes hormones grief hormones stress grief anger hormones. Suffice it to say it’s been a messy several years.
There are times I’m super mom. I throw fun birthday parties. I make healthy yummy dinners. I get everyone dressed cute and mostly clean with trimmed nails & neat hair. I rock at my job and then come home and wash clothes, run the vacuum and pick up the playroom. I love decorating my house for Christmas, top to bottom, and spend time carefully selecting gifts I know will bring joy. I never forget anything and am on time. I am a thoughtful friend who keeps my finger on the pulse of what’s going on in the lives of those I love and do whatever I can to support them. I’m a good wife who listens to her husband and tries to relieve his stress. I’m a good daughter and sister who takes care of anything anyone needs. Guess what? That is not who I am these days. And it’s unsettling to me because at my core I don’t feel like myself. But it’s also okay. Because sometimes the turtle tucks her head inside her shell and hunkers down until it’s safe to come out. And man am I hunkered down.
Things will be “good” again one day. Life will always be crazy (hello parenting), but I won’t always be this way. I will feel like more than a high functioning insane person. I will get my groove back. I will once again feel like I’m in control of my life instead of hanging on for dear life.