It was a beautiful fall Dallas day. A blue, puffy-cloud sky and t-shirt with jeans kind of day. I had parked my car in front of a Sally Beauty Supply and was checking out (you didn’t think this red was natural, did you?!) when a woman raced inside.
“Somebody needs to call the cops! There are kids that have been left in the car out there! Call the cops! Now!” The woman looked very worried and was talking to the cashier checking me out.
Can you guess what happened next?
I smiled politely and said “Please don’t call the police. Those are my children. I’ll be done checking out in a moment.”
“Those are your kids? You can’t just leave your kids in the car! What if somebody stole them?”
“Well that would be a bit difficult as I have the keys in my hand.” This just about did her in.
“You left them in there without the air conditioner running? You deserve to have the police called on you.”
The poor woman behind the counter looked like she didn’t quite know what to do.
“It’s 75 degrees outside and the windows are 1/4 of the way down. And they’ve been in there about four minutes. Was my daughter crying? I can see her right now and she looks absolutely fine to me”
“You need to call the cops now.” The stranger said to the woman behind the counter. At which point I signed my receipt and left.
Sigh….you can’t win ’em all.
* * * * *
Lest you think that I’m exaggerating this conversation, let me tell you that I’m not and refer you to this article from last summer about an 11 year old who asked to stay in the car while her mother ran inside. Her mother being ticketed with a misdemeanor. You can’t make this stuff up, folks. And in case you think I wasn’t bothered by that incident, it’s been several years and my hands are still shaking as I write it down.
Who did that woman think she was? Yes, my children were in the car. Yes, they were alone. Yes, they were just fine.
When did people begin to assume that the worst case scenario is the most likely to happen? And when did they decide that calling the police is the first line of action when a child is clearly NOT in danger?
You see, in this world of constant, scary, in your face, sensational news, we as parents seem to have lost our right to not be crazy. Because the news tells me about a horrific incident where a child was left in a car in the summer for 8 hours, I am suddenly not allowed to leave a 6 year old (fully capable of unbuckling, unlocking, and getting both herself and her little sister out of the car without help) inside of a car on a gorgeous, cool, fall day? Because there was one kidnapping in Colorado, I am not allowed to let my children walk home from school alone?
1. It’s okay to leave your kid in the car for a few minutes.
There. I wrote it. Now as I write this I’m going to make the rather small assumption that you’re not crazy. I’m going to assume that as a mother you possess common sense. I’m going to assume that you love your child more than life itself and would never do anything to harm them. So let me write it again: It’s OKAY to leave your kids in the car. I’m not talking about leaving your 2 week old infant in the parking lot at Target while you go grocery shopping for two hours. Nor am I talking about leaving any child alone in a car on a hot or cold day. What I am saying is that if you need to run into the dry cleaners and your children are asleep, it’s okay. If you’re picking up take-out and your little one does NOT want to get out of the car, it’s okay. Lower the windows, lock the doors, and let them know that you’ll be able to see them.
Don’t believe me? Read the Texas Penal Code, Title 5, Chapter 22, Section 10:
Sec. 22.10. LEAVING A CHILD IN A VEHICLE. (a) A person commits an offense if he intentionally or knowingly leaves a child in a motor vehicle for longer than five minutes, knowing that the child is: (1) younger than seven years of age; and (2) not attended by an individual in the vehicle who is 14 years of age or older. (b) An offense under this section is a Class C misdemeanor.
2. It’s okay to let your kids play in the front yard.
Really, it is. Did you know that the number of children between ages 2-14 that are killed in car accidents each year is 1,300? And the number of stranger-danger kidnappings that happen each year is 115 (per the FBI)? Look at those numbers one more time; those aren’t typos.
How many times a day do we put our children into the car? We put them into the car a LOT. We put them into the car a LOT more than we let them spread their wings and play without parental hovering. What if we let them play in the car and that horrible opening scene from Mystic River happens?? And yet, every time we put them in the car we are putting them 10 times more at risk of losing their lives. Statistics don’t lie.
3. It’s okay to leave your child with a babysitter.
Did your know that if your child is going to be killed or abused by an adult, there’s a 95% chance it will be a relative or family friend? Yeah. It’s totally true. My point is not to scare, but to tell you that if you never go out with your husband or friends because you’ve watched Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (or the nightly news) too many times you may need to calm down. If you still don’t feel comfortable then wait until your child becomes more verbal and you can get the whole scoop on what goes down when you’re not around.
4. It’s okay to let your kids do things that might get them hurt.
Do you ever listen to how you warn your children about things that might cause them to get hurt? (For the record I’m not talking about running with scissors here – walk with those and always keep the blade pointed down!) Do you tell them that they can try to climb that tree but need to make sure each branch can hold their weight? Or do you tell them that they can’t even try because they’ll just fall and get hurt.
It’s okay if your child tries to climb the tree and falls down. You can help them get back off the ground, love on them, and teach them that nothing is worth getting in life that doesn’t require some practice. If your three year old wants to climb the “big kid” part of the playground then let them. (I have nothing but contempt for those signs telling me how age appropriate different sections of a playground are. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of “play”??) Watch them, stay close in case they need your help, and if they do need your help teach them how to climb down safely rather than helping them climb up. We have a rule in our house that you’re not allowed to climb up anything you can’t climb down from.
Yes, my girls have fallen off of things, and no they’ve never broken anything or gotten a concussion. They have gotten hurt. And when the time was right for them they climbed up again. Safer this time and more cautious, being armed first hand with a knowledge of consequences that is far stronger than any warning I can give them.
* * * * *
The world is a big, scary, place, but like Sloane’s article about fear said, we don’t want to make our kids feel the fear that we feel.
I’ll be honest with you: I worry about my kids all the time. I worry when I let them play in the front yard. I worry even though I KNOW they’re literally safer out there without me than they are driving to school with me in rush hour every morning. I still worry. I worry when I leave them in the car (but only that some loon is going to call the cops and I’ll end up in jail while my kids are shipped off to a foster home).
But I’ve resolved not to let that worry rule the way I parent, especially when it makes no sense.
Plain and simple…I love you so much for writing this!!
First of all – SO well-written! Highly enjoyable read. Second, I don’t have kids, but I am keeping this advice in my back pocket so I don’t end up like some of those hyper-cautious moms (of which thankfully none of my friends are) who make you Purell every time you hold their perfectly healthy one-year-old. Thanks for writing!
Overall, I agree with the free range parenting style but not leaving kids in the car. It’s not worth the risk that someone will call the cops and they end up in foster care. Foster care is horrible and most kids are abused in it. So having a quick run in isn’t worth the risk of a lunatic getting you arrested and kids abused. Because there will always be a lunatic who sticks their nose in. Moms have had kids taken away for this and even gotten criminal records. Misdemeanor, yes, but the judges tend to max out penalties on this offense. Once CPS gets your name in the system it’s nightmare to get it out again. Also, it doesn’t sound like you had a fourteen year old in the car with your kiddos and that is against Texas law. One lady had her license plate written down when she just “drove off” as you did and had three years of hell for leaving her four year old in the car for five minutes on a nice day. I agree with the other things you said but where people can get you in trouble with CPS it’s not worth it.
Just read this mom’s experience:
http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/
I’m going to have to agree with Jaime with regards to the car. Especially in the state of Texas. CPS is notorious for taking children and asking questions later, and many of those children and their families are then stuck in a foster care/legal hell. Will children be safe in the car by themselves for five minutes? Probably. Is it more convenient to leave a sleeping child or a defiant child for five minutes while you pop in? Absolutely. However, it’s just not worth the risk to me. A grumpy child WITH me in the store is far safer than in a car outside WITHOUT me.
I totally agree with what you said! I too have left my kids in the car for minutes only to have somebody threaten to call the cops on me. I agree we SHOULD be able to leave our children in the car while we run inside really quickly, but the reality of the world tells me I can’t. I can’t risk CPS taking my children away. So, ever since I was threatened I unload my kids for even the smallest of errands. It’s sad.
I am terrified to leave my kid in the car because someone might call the police. I have a car that doesn’t require a key in the ignition, so if you leave the car running and walk away, the AC/heat will stay on and you can lock it. You can’t drive the car without the key though. Anyhow, I can leave my sleeping child in a temp controlled environment for a few minutes and run in to grab dry cleaning or drop my pets off for boarding, etc. I have done this but only in a place where I can see the car the entire time and it will be very quick. Usually also a not so crowded place so I’m not as worried. I still debate every time because I don’t want some over anxious person flipping out.
I just can’t rationalize leaving young children unattended in a car or the front yard . Stranger abductions are quite low but there is no acceptable number per year. Why risk being one more?
I love this! ““There’s been this huge cultural shift. We now live in a society where most people believe a child can not be out of your sight for one second, where people think children need constant, total adult supervision. This shift is not rooted in fact. It’s not rooted in any true change. It’s imaginary. It’s rooted in irrational fear.”