First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.
But after the baby is out of the carriage and toddling, walking, or jumping through the house, what comes next?
I spent the first year of my daughter’s life devoted to every aspect of her being. [What can I say, I’m a crazy Attachment Parent!] Every mew would send me into anticipatory hovering. Every cry would immediately bring me to console. And every time she didn’t sleep through the night for 22 months, I was there. As she got older, however, instead of giving her an opportunity for independence, I kept clinging to this amazing little person and ignoring the OTHER huge part of my family: my husband.
Our time together waned, and my ability to form a sentence or conversation that did NOT revolve around our child completely escaped me.
So in a world of compromise and tough decisions, who comes first as your children get older and your memories of life as a wife–instead of a mother–grow faint and distant?
Simply put, after 11 years of marriage, I’ve learned to put my HUSBAND and MARRIAGE first. Yes, yes, yes, I love my kids. More than [almost] anything. But, at the end of the day, I also love, love, love my husband. I married him not just because I loved him, and not just to have a family with, but also to be my constant companion and support as we raised that family.
When I’ve said this before, some women have asked, “Why and how could a mother make a decision like that?” Very logically, it turns out.
1. I want someone to grow old with. I love our kids [just in case I need to write it again]…but every person I’ve known who put their kids on the front burner and their marriage on the back burner never made it to their golden years together. That’s our goal. Not just raising four incredible children until they go off and start their own independent lives, but eventually getting to spend our days together again because we really, really like each other.
2. It’s better for our kids. No, really, it IS. It’s good for them to know that their parents are strong, together, and a team. It’s good for them to have a strong marriage model. When I think about my girls growing up, I want nothing less than the best for them. That means they won’t live their lives as slaves to their children [or to their husband], but that they will live well-balanced lives.
Okay, okay, so while trying to achieve the golden mom-wife medal of “Well-Balanced” how in the world do I juggle our lives? First, it isn’t easy. One thing I’ve learned, however, is that unless I specifically put him first, my Husband loses every time. There are three things I can consistently try to do, however, to help my poor Husband even his odds.
1. Make dates happen. It doesn’t have to be every week, but it IS important to spend time with just your significant other. Find a family member. Find a sitter. I even went to colleges once and knocked on the doors of the sororities to get on their e-mail lists for babysitters. A romantic meal at our all-time favorite Perry’s Steakhouse or low-key dining sitting in front of the fire of La Madeleine is fine by me. Whatever, as long as we’re by ourselves (by the way, if all we do during our dates is talk about our kids, it’s a sure sign that we’re NOT spending enough time as a couple).
2. Get those kids to bed early. Just like date nights should be time reserved for us, our evenings together are the times that we spend talking about how awesome our kids are (and sometimes pow-wowing on discipline or behavioral issues). We shoot for bedtimes of 8:00 around here, which gives us at least a solid ninety minutes of alone time (our kids always manage to come out at least once during the first 30 minutes). Whether it’s curling up watching a show together or playing a game of Scrabble this is designated US time.
3. Don’t ignore the man in your life. Sound easy? I remember the day I made this pledge to myself and heart-breakingly came to the realization that I had become THAT dismissive wife. It was like watching a family comedy…except I didn’t think it was funny. Our dinner-time conversations had DEvolved into us trying to have a conversation while I micro-managed every aspect of my three children’s eating habits and continually and without warning left our conversation. Now, we’ve made family dinner time much more daddy AND mommy friendly. We include them in our conversations but have put strict rules about interrupting in place. Husband gets to finish his thought [and so does Mommy, for that matter] and our dinner table has never been more peaceful and happy.
What do you think? Do your kids or your husband come first in your family?
Amen! You said it. Spouse first makes the most sense–after all, it was the love between you two that brought those bundles of joy into the world in the first place!