You may remember me. Christmas lists used to be my jam. As a kid, I would dog ear almost every page of a toy catalog and then round out my (pages long) list with the latest gadgets advertised during Saturday morning cartoons. Adulting is hard, though, and I can’t even think of a single fun thing I might want this year. Being a SAHM is also hard, so I’ve made my list super practical and realistic. Santa,
if when you get this extremely important plea from Momville, please be kind and generous with your Christmas spirit. I promise I’ve been nice.
1. One bathroom break a day without having to make eye contact with my toddler while sitting on the toilet. And sorry, Santa, a lock won’t work because then she just cries and ruins my alone time.
2. Coffee. All the coffee. Also, try to include some magical coffee that re-heats every five minutes that I am painfully ripped away from the highlight of my entire day.
3. Ear plugs, a sleep mask, and some Benadryl. You and the reindeer can handle my 19 month old who still thinks sleeping through the night is overrated, right? Even just one night would be a Christmas miracle.
4. A lululemon gift card. There is no end in sight to my wardrobe of all activewear all the time. I’m doing just fine on ratty, stained yoga pants, but I need a few new items for the “fancy” section of my closet.
5. Botox. You see me when I’m sleeping (not enough) and you know when I’m awake (too much), so do I really need a justification here?
6. A bra that fits that isn’t a sports bra. Between pregnancy, a year of nursing, and some recent stress weight gain, the girls have seen more fluctuation than the stock market . Who has time to keep up with these chameleons? I want a new (comfortable) bra that fits perfectly without me having to get measured in a department store while my kid puts hangers in her mouth. No need for extreme padding or underwire, my play group is not that impressed by cleavage.
7. Wine. All the wine. Pack that sleigh full and don’t be afraid to keep adding. Red, white, bubbly, there is no discrimination in this house. When it seems like too much, add one more case, please.
8. Social acceptance of kid leashes. Is this in your wheelhouse or do I need to find a genie or something?
9. A carkeeper. Most weeks I feel like we spend just as much time in the car as we do the house, so I really need a car housekeeper (a carkeeper, if you will) to get a handle on the steady flow of stale goldfish everywhere, dried apple juice on the car seat, and empty pouches and coffee cups. I’m not greedy, biweekly will be fine.
10. A gym membership. No, not for a place to wear my new lululemon gear, don’t get crazy! For the childcare, of course, and the potential of long, uninterrupted showers…even if they are taken at the YMCA.
Thanks in advance, Santa! (Store bought) cookies attached, as well as one small gulp of milk because I saved the rest for my kid to drink tomorrow morning!
One SAHM that’s been as good as motherly possible