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What Wine Should I Drink With That Tantrum? A Mommy-Wine Guide

I’m not a sommelier, but I can pronounce sommelier and I feel like that’s half the battle. I’ve also been to Napa once. And, let’s be honest, I’ve had my fair share of a few bottles of wine in my day. Both before and after having kids. But since having my sweet little angels monsters, I’ve begun to notice that in certain situations, some wine just tastes better than others.

In an effort to share the wisdom I’ve learned from 11 years of being a step-mom and 7.5 years of being a mom – here’s what I’ve found pairs best in these mom-situations.

Early Mornings After Late Date Nights — Champagne

Let’s say, hypothetically, that your 7.5-year-old who STILL won’t sleep through the night in his own bed, comes crashing into your bed around 1 or 3 am, wakes you up and then kicks you until he’s up for the day, asking for cuddles because he’s just so gosh-darn happy to wake up in your bed (like he hasn’t done it every day of his life for the last 7.5 years). And let’s say, hypothetically, it’s Sunday morning after a super late date night to a midnight showing at the Inwood Theater to see some cheesy-but-fun 80s movie that our generation just can’t get enough of (Sixteen Candles, anyone?). Then, realistically, you are gonna need to start your day with something sparkling and lightly splashed with a whisper of orange juice, or apple juice, or even just the thought of some kind of juice. Because, literally speaking, getting through the rest of your Sunday without a kick-start after a late night of quoting every line to an 80s classic just won’t happen without some hair of the dog.  Pairs well with donuts from yesterday or Uber delivered breakfast tacos. 

Clean Up Time – Reisling

Any time I ask my children to clean up, I’m pretty sure they hear “please roll around on the floor whining about how miserable your life is and how all you ever do is clean.” Which is clearly not true based on how insanely messy this playroom always is! No matter how many times I clean and/or organize – it only takes about 35 seconds before it looks like it was hit by a tornado again. A nice crisp reisling goes really well with the despair of a never ending job and the high-pitched-whiny voices of children who “can’t clean up any more, we’ve been cleaning for hours.” Pairs nicely with a half eaten box of raisins you find under the couch and the half bag of goldfish from the toy box.

Sports/Extracurricular Events – Pinot Grigio

Soccer games, football games, soccer practice, football practice. Surely there’s a wine for that. Basically all sports related events pair great with a Pinot Grigio in a to-go coffee cup. Provided it’s something you can walk to and from.  And/or you have a designated driver and a closed container. Don’t do anything illegal, y’all!  Pairs perfectly with peanut butter crackers that you made especially for your kid’s practice, but they refused to eat because you got the wrong crackers. 

Solo-Parenting Days – Chardonnay

My go-to when the hubs is traveling, Chardonnay gets me through those long, looooong days of begging the kids to go outside and jump on the trampoline. Or please, please for the love, just 5 more bites. Only 1 more hour until bath and bed. Pairs well with cold mac-n-cheese and half eaten chicken nuggets. Why bother making yourself dinner when you know your 3 year old won’t eat a bite of anything you make them anyway.

At Home Date Night – Pinot Noir

We save a nice, light Pinot for those magical nights when we can bribe the kids with their iPads and/or a movie in their playroom. We lock them in, pour a glass of wine and find something short-but-sweet on Netflix. Realistically speaking we only have about 13 seconds before they need some water or a snack. But those 13 seconds guys. Magic. Pairs well with popcorn. If the kids let you have some.

Never-ending Bedtime – Cabernet Sauvignon

Some parenting nights are just extra rough, amiright? How is it even possible that these kids are surprised by bedtime every.single.night.? And why, for the love, does it take 3 hours and the sacrifice of my sanity for them to get their pjs on and brush their teeth? Oh, suddenly they need water and are hungry and they need 6 more hugs and 9 more kisses and oh.my.gosh could there be any more things they need before they finally lay down? And, of course, after prayers and checking under the bed and turning on the closet lights and playing the sound machine at the exact right volume (not too loud, not too soft), they still refuse to stay in bed and actually fall asleep. A nice Cab Sauv is the only thing that can get you through the night until they finally pass out. Pairs nicely with hidden oreos that you pretended you were out of so that you could sneak them later because you knew your kids would never fall asleep tonight.

So cheers to all my fellow moms who are soaking up every second with our precious ones. But also, simultaneously, crying because they just got thrown up on for the third time today, laughing because their 4-year-old found her play makeup and looks like a scary clown, screaming because the puppy pooped on the rug again, all while having to pee and clean the house but they can’t find the time because they can’t remember why they walked upstairs again. Go ahead and pour yourself another glass of wine.

(Special shout out to jumbo bottles… you know a fellow mom invented those!)

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